More Interesting Newspaper Headlines:

12 on Their Way to Cruise Among Dead in Plane Crash

Reagan Wins on Budgent, But More Lies Ahead

Prostitutes Appeal To Pope

Man Charged with Sexual Battery

Child stool Great for Use in Garden

Stud Tires Out

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

N.J Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Doctor Tacket

Doctor Tacket was quite a crackhead
But his press were bigger Loons.
Thier Blurb on Tacket
Made quite the Racket
It read:"Tacket Gives Talk On Moon"

Based on a newspaper headline I that read.

English Will Not Be Overthrown, The Chinese are Crazy and Other Observations

Of-late, There's been a lot of talk about the possibility of Mandarin becoming the lingua franca in the near future. I think it's Mandarin they're talking about; if not, then it's one of those few languages we collectively call Chinese. I think all these speculations about Mandarin and it's place in the world is rubbish. It's bull, hogwash and trash. Infact, it's nonsense. People confuse the most widely spoken language with the language spoken in greatest numbers. It is not suprising that the language spoken in the greatest numbers is a Chinese language, and I have firm reason to believe that it will stay that way for a long time to come, unless Hindi-speakers decide to overuse their gonads until age ninetee without protection, like that daddy of all daddies who was in the news recently for giving birth to a daughter at age 90.

'Experts' have speculated that because of the increasing economic and political influence that China has on the world, Mandarin might just over take English. Mandarin is now most in-vogue for those who want to learn a random exotic language.

But I harbour only the deepest hatred for Chinese economic and political policies, so when it comes to matters about the Chinese, I might just be an unrealistic sinic. I do concede that the economic influence of China in today's world is gigantic. That's irrefutable- Everything from light-bulbs to adultrated breast milk substitute is made in China these days. But think about this: I don't think the Chinese actually want to go on doing this. They want to become what the english speaking developed world has become: a post-industrialisation place, where the bulk of the resources are no longer spent on industries, but rather on talking intelligently about human emotions and researching topics like do aliens exist and if so, do they fart, and how do we create pets that glow in the dark? and so forth. What I'm mean to get at is this: The English speaking world or a little bit more than that, America and Europe, is where the party's at and clearly, they are the ones with the upper hand. Those who can't speak thier language have got to learn it. Apart from the political and economic reasons, I think there are linguistic reasons why Mandarin cannot and will not overtake English. Atleast it won't right now becuase I don't know a thing about Mandarin.

My lack of knowledge aside, here are some reasons why: English was born about 500 years after Jesus of the Christ family died. So it's a really young langauge, and even in this short span of time, it has had a history like no other langauge. In its early years, English was impaled by foreign languages like French and Greek. And it's not just survived those invasions, it's allowed itself to become a richer language. English started off as a spin off of German, but became a strong amalgum of Romance, Hellenic and Germanic languages, and that is why it has been able to acquire and maintain this linguistic hegemonony that it has in Europe today. It's become a world force now, of course, thanks to the former British foregin policy of 'colonisation through the cunning use of flags', as one comedian put it. Which is true. C.B.S.E History textbooks are full of fabricated details, designed to part of a massive nationalist BJP propaganda. This is how it actually went. When the British first arrived at Bombay, they said:

"Hello, we're the British. Who are you?
"We're the (unspellable by English)"*
(Sir Richard Attenborough's great great great great great grandfather, Sir Richard Attenborough VI who served as the royal interpreter at that time translated the reply as:
"We're the Indians")
"Do you guys have a flag?" asked Queen Victoria
"No."
"Well, we do. You're ours now."
"Ok"

After realising how their flags tactic worked out, the British started making unimaginative repetitions of the union jack and carried it around wherever they went. Who ever they met, they defeated instantly, by using that same laconic quip. One day, a few hundred years later, Gandhi was working with a charka and he yelled out, half naked: "Eureka! I got an idea for a flag! We can all be free now!" Today, the essence of his words still reverberates through the countries that have seen the wrath of expert British flagship.

Now coming back to Latin and Greek roots. By the time we're in middle school, we learn loads of fancy scientific words and most of us get the idea that there are lots of greek roots in English words such as 'centipede', and my personal favourite, 'pseudeopodia'. It might be suprising for those unfamiliar with the history of the English langauge, that there are a lot of rather English-sounding words actually have Latin and Greek roots inconsipciously hidden in them. Consider the word 'ejaculate'. It's actually derived from the Latin word jacere, which means 'to throw'. And 'sophisticated' has its roots in the Greek word soph which means 'knowledge'.
So English is obviously the easiest language to incorporate new words and conceptual terminologies into. And that feeds it. Today there are over a million words in English, compared to about 40,000 during Shakespearean times. There are words like Bootylicious, which even Shakespear didn't know. So take that, people who think Mandarin will rule (and take that, Shakespear).

* Thanks to Kaushik for pointing out the historical inaccuracy in my previous account of the conversation between the first British visitors and the inhabitants of the Indian subcontinent. No worries, I have made the necessary changes and what you have read is an accurate rendition.

Oh ya.

"An idea is a form formed by the consciousness by the process of ideation."
- Wikipedia.

The Story of the Jesi. Part 1

Yonder, once by the trees of Oak
Met a bonny lass with a certain bloke
They doped and eloped but that's not important
What is is who shall be right and who shant

One eve, met she with a dozen French elvs
But early next day they'd shat themselves
Amidst their dung lay a queer parchment
Brown as well but relatively fragrant

[Mysterious Choir: Jesus, oh you don't please us....
You get seizures and you don't redeem us

Oh Jesus, we were once Jesi,
Yes we were once Jesi...]

Called Freedom for All, it bore forth a claim
That a man used grammar to create his name.
That the holy Jesi were just and fair
Until Mr. Jesus came from nowhere

Said he that by name he was the singular
and rightful by monopoly to be the ruler
Brought he laws unjust for humanity
called it this, that and then christianity

and Bore it a plea for the forces of truth
for freedom to the old, middle aged and youth
Jesus, it cried must be proved wrong
By the trully wise, brave and strong.

The chosen one was her it said,
And for victory she must use her head
The battles ahead were to be tough and gruesome,
And the truth, it claimed, lay deep in her bosom

And so that day in the house she resided,
a bonny lass to her mother confided.

Pophle: Mother, oh mother will you listen to me,
I have now a question that has truly blew me,
I do not by god, mean to be blunt,
But why, oh why are tits on the front?

Mother: Pophle my dear, you must be remember,
That our lord has reasons, some harsh some tender
Bear in your mind, for does he not please us?|
Blessed be he, our holy jesus.

Pophle(aside): That answers not, my question so well,
But it matters not, like heaven and hell.
It matters not, like his holy word
Which is all unjust and quite absurd

Oh but now i cannot afford,
To let the parchment rule my world.
I'll take that job of herding sheep
for I need some pay to eat and sleep.

To north, the saints enslaved the folk
To south, they 'ad corrupted the learned yolk
To east and west they 'ad lived by thier whims
accusing whoever of senseless sins

But suddenly now there beed unrest
For the sacred and holy were put to test
And though they do both mean the same,
To Pophle, they were losing thier name.

Father amphetamine was pleased to know
That despite crackdowns, his cardomum did grow
His eyes spoke his evil well and clear,
why the Delhi police were nowhere near

Jah Rastafari: Father, this is evil. Are you not aware
that this is treason or do you not care?

Father amphetamine: Preach you me not now what be treason
For Jesus now booed is for no reason

Jah: I only meant concern, so peace out father
But aside, why do you sound a bit like yoda?

Father amphetamine: 'tis for style, i picked up from Shakespear
But forget we must not, why we are here.

A great evil cloud has covereth our light
A blasphemer is here and we must fight
Not with crusades or miracles, i am old
So this cardomum i'll trade for plenty of gold

Oh what bliss i shall get from that gold,
But no syphylis this time, i must be bold
I shall bribe the judge with a gift so rich
That he'll have to condemn the girl a witch.

Jah: Don't gain the world and lose your soul
For wisdom father, is better than or gold
You can fool some people sometimes,
But you can't fool all the people all the time.

Schemed so the father, unheeded by Jah
When he heard something that went like ''baaah"
Met he then with this wretched blasphemer-
Unknown to him, as his plan was to her

Father Amphetamine: Well, the sheep outside have asked for me
They are leadeth today by a mother of three
One Ms. Pophle- ripe, in her teens
And her buttocks i dream, are nectarines

Jah: For god's sake father, put your ageless mouse
Right back in there trapped in its house
But what for may i ask is all that sheep?
Is it a fetish with which you sleep?

Father Amphetamine: The fool is you jah, for you are wrong
This smugglery of mine has been planned for long
I shall waste not my money on lasses bonny
She is but a decoy for my treacherous journey

This withered old man named Dink
was as thin as you could possibly think,
One day i saw
He drank with a straw
That sucked him and drowned him in his drink

The Land of Equality

Once in a land of equality,
lived souls of superior quality
One day they learnt
thier hopes were burnt
by a loophole in thier polity

When they charged a man named Conolly
with racism, he said oh well he
read all their laws,
he was free of flaws
for he hated everyone equally